Healing outbursts of anger
I remember the last time my fist collided with a kitchen cabinet door. I was deep into an emotionally charged moment. So much so that my body was experiencing it physiologically. It was as if I could feel anger in my veins and all she wanted was to break free. I had already raised my voice to a level the neighbors were sure to hear. Tears were flowing from my eyes and down my cheeks. Making their way over my jaw that was clenched tight as I did whatever I could to contain any remaining anger left behind.
The moments prior had escalated quickly. And I found myself wondering how exactly I’d gotten here. Again. To such a place of rage and explosiveness.
This wasn’t the first time. Not even close to it. Explosive outbursts of anger were unfortunately very familiar to me. The kitchen cabinet was not my only victim. Doors, walls, household items, family members, loved ones, close dating relationships, pets. All recipients. It wasn’t always physical, but the verbal outbursts were just as bad. Each outburst was preceded by me feeling completely out of control and followed by insurmountable shame.
For much of my life, I shamed myself for my reactions, but blamed others for my anger. If only they would stop doing this, start doing that, meet this need, say these words. Then I wouldn’t be this angry, I wouldn’t have these outbursts. I didn’t know it at the time, but although my thoughts and feelings were valid on the topic, I was absolutely missing the mark.
As I got serious about overcoming my response to anger, I learned some things that changed my life and my relationships. My hope today is that they help, challenge, and encourage you on your own journey.
I was frustrated with my present, but I was angry about my past.
In the moment, we can easily become convinced that our current situation is causing us to feel anger so deeply. Whatever “they” did or what happened to us. Often our big reactions or strong responses convince us of that. The truth is, although you may be frustrated in your present, the overwhelming sense of anger that you’re feeling may be coming from your past. The anger you’re feeling could be connected to a belief or event from childhood that you have yet to fully heal from. The journey here is connecting to what is truly releasing that anger inside of you. What other emotions are you feeling at that moment? What are you thinking or believing?
My anger wasn’t actually anger.
Anger can be a very strong emotion. So strong that it can easily cover up deeply rooted emotions. It’s like a disguise, hiding what exists underneath. In my journey with anger, I discovered that my anger was an expression of deep sadness, feelings of rejection, and a strong desire to be unconditionally loved. You may discover something different. We all have our own journeys. We can start by connecting to our hearts by asking, “Why am I actually so angry right now?” or “What pain did this situation bring up for me?” When we recognize that we are wounded, we can begin to extend ourselves grace. This process requires reflection and a willingness to explore your past, but when you find the courage to pursue it, you’ll begin to heal. Partnered with healing tools and a pursuit of God’s role in your healing, you’ll find your anger showing up differently and with less force. You’ll begin to respond instead of react.
Shaming myself for my anger only fueled it.
The outbursts were always followed by shame. Shame for how I reacted, for who I hurt, for not being able to control it. There was so much shame. Here’s one of the many problems with shame - the more we submit to it, the stronger it grows. Shaming myself for my anger set me on the path of a nasty cycle that I couldn’t escape. I’d become angry, react, shame myself, and add more fuel to the already angry, critical voice inside my head. I was stuck in a shame cycle. In order to break free from a shame cycle, we have to apply self-compassion. So many of us were raised being told anger was a “bad” emotion. It was one that we were shamed for or told was unacceptable. What we weren’t taught, is that anger wasn’t what needed direction, it was how we expressed it. We actually needed someone to accept our anger, love us through it, and teach us how to express it. Although we may not have experienced that gift as a child, we do have the power to reteach our nervous systems as adults. When we choose to speak kindly to ourselves and show ourselves self-compassion even after we’ve reacted poorly, we are choosing to accept ourselves fully. When we accept our imperfections and show those spaces love, we can begin to heal the roots of our anger and change our reactions from the inside out.
If you’re struggling with outbursts of anger, or can’t seem to get a handle on certain big reactions, know this: Your outbursts don’t have to be forever. It is possible to heal. If you’re looking to heal big reactions in your life, click here for my free Guide to Navigating Triggers, or here for more information on my healing intensive programs.
Supporting you on your healing journey,
xo Krista
